My Resolve

This is not a New Year's resolution. It's a life resolution that happens to be occuring right now, near New Year. Justin and I have hit a wall when it comes to conceiving a child. I've been pretty quiet about it and only letting a few friends know what's been going on. Most, including my parents, don't even know we were trying. Ware at the point where we need to take the next step, but my weight won't permit it. It's unclear if my weight is causing our current problems. While I may have symtoms of PCOS which can be caused/helped by weight, I am not insulin resistant so I cannot be treated with medication they normally use. The only treatment available to me is fertility drugs, but at my current weight my doctor doesn't feel comfortable giving them to me. I agree with her 100%. It is almost unethical for her to help me conceive when I and my child are at risk for so many complications.

This is not a surprise to me at all and something I've known in the back of my mind for some time. Even before we started trying I started Weight Watchers, knowing that my weight may cause issues or complicate them. I was successful on Weight Watchers, having lost close to 40 pounds. Since August of 2008 I've put about 30 pounds back on. This may have caused my fertility issues to worsen, but that's really a moot point. I need to lose weight. I need to lose almost 100 pounds. I need to do this. If it helps me conceive naturally, that's great. If it makes my doctor more comfortable and Justin and I are able to take the next step and receive medical assistance that's also great. In the end, I will be healthy and I have a better chance of carrying a healthy baby.

I just wish that I'd stuck with Weight Watchers when I began it in 2008. I'd be at my goal of 100 pounds lost by now. I lost enough to make me feel "okay" and then I got impatient. Justin and I bought a house and I was ready to put a baby in it. We started trying and I stopped trying to lose weight. A year and a half later, I still need to lose the weight, I'm not pregnant, and I have a long journey ahead of me. I'm really angry at myself. It's my own fault. I'm not stupid. I knew that my weight would be an issue, one way or another.

All the beating myself up won't help the situation, so instead I'm being proactive. Justin and I are going to stop trying for about a year. I could still try to conceive on my own, but it's just not a good option for me. I have to either go all out tyring--temping, checking fertility signs, charting--or go back on the pill. There's no "wait and see" with me. I don't ovulate regularly, so I'd be taking a pregnancy test every time I turned around if I didn't track my cycles via charts. I can't put myself through another year of charts. It drives me nuts. How Catholics do it, I'll never know! Maybe it's easier if you're always a 31 day girl. I'm more of a 50, 67, 94, 38 day cycle kind of girl. I'd also like to go back on the pill because I feel very off with such erratic cycles. I have terrible acne, PMS, and cramps. I seriously feel like I'm 15 again. Plus, I think taking conception off the table completely will help me psychologically. My resolve to lose weight started to waiver when we actively started trying.

Step two of being proactive is Weight Watchers. I've signed back up for Weight Watchers online and I vow to follow the program. My friend Sarah is also getting back on the program and we are going to keep eachother honest and meet up once a week to check in. The program works, I know it does, I just have to do the program. I'm also going to resurrect the video program Justin and I did in the fall. We were hardcore into it for 30 of the 90 days. Then we fell off the wagon. But starting the first of the year, I'm going to follow WW and then do the 90 day workout. I expect to have really great results with combining the two. It'll be a great way to jump start myself and make my goal seem attainable.

The final part of my proactive plan is the Dave Ramsey plan. Dave's plan is a debt elimination plan. Again, Justin and I started this a year ago and had some success. Like with weight loss, we got rid of enough debt to feel more comfortable month to month. The more comfortable we felt, the less we worried about our debt. But as any parent will tell you, babies are expensive. Why not take this break from trying and use it to finish the Dave Ramsey plan? We've (re)completed step one of the plan and are ready to move onto the next part. Being debt free, or close to it, will make adding to our family that much easier. Like the CPA, being debt free will make my career options more numerous.

That's the plan. Go back on the pill, lose the weight, pay off some bills, and finish the program at Columbus State. I have given it a year, but it might take less time, it might take more time. We will have to wait and see. I feel good about our plan, and I will be updating my progress I'm sure. I debated on blogging about this, but it can only make me more accountable. You hear that? It's your job to keep me honest!