My Resolve

This is not a New Year's resolution. It's a life resolution that happens to be occuring right now, near New Year. Justin and I have hit a wall when it comes to conceiving a child. I've been pretty quiet about it and only letting a few friends know what's been going on. Most, including my parents, don't even know we were trying. Ware at the point where we need to take the next step, but my weight won't permit it. It's unclear if my weight is causing our current problems. While I may have symtoms of PCOS which can be caused/helped by weight, I am not insulin resistant so I cannot be treated with medication they normally use. The only treatment available to me is fertility drugs, but at my current weight my doctor doesn't feel comfortable giving them to me. I agree with her 100%. It is almost unethical for her to help me conceive when I and my child are at risk for so many complications.

This is not a surprise to me at all and something I've known in the back of my mind for some time. Even before we started trying I started Weight Watchers, knowing that my weight may cause issues or complicate them. I was successful on Weight Watchers, having lost close to 40 pounds. Since August of 2008 I've put about 30 pounds back on. This may have caused my fertility issues to worsen, but that's really a moot point. I need to lose weight. I need to lose almost 100 pounds. I need to do this. If it helps me conceive naturally, that's great. If it makes my doctor more comfortable and Justin and I are able to take the next step and receive medical assistance that's also great. In the end, I will be healthy and I have a better chance of carrying a healthy baby.

I just wish that I'd stuck with Weight Watchers when I began it in 2008. I'd be at my goal of 100 pounds lost by now. I lost enough to make me feel "okay" and then I got impatient. Justin and I bought a house and I was ready to put a baby in it. We started trying and I stopped trying to lose weight. A year and a half later, I still need to lose the weight, I'm not pregnant, and I have a long journey ahead of me. I'm really angry at myself. It's my own fault. I'm not stupid. I knew that my weight would be an issue, one way or another.

All the beating myself up won't help the situation, so instead I'm being proactive. Justin and I are going to stop trying for about a year. I could still try to conceive on my own, but it's just not a good option for me. I have to either go all out tyring--temping, checking fertility signs, charting--or go back on the pill. There's no "wait and see" with me. I don't ovulate regularly, so I'd be taking a pregnancy test every time I turned around if I didn't track my cycles via charts. I can't put myself through another year of charts. It drives me nuts. How Catholics do it, I'll never know! Maybe it's easier if you're always a 31 day girl. I'm more of a 50, 67, 94, 38 day cycle kind of girl. I'd also like to go back on the pill because I feel very off with such erratic cycles. I have terrible acne, PMS, and cramps. I seriously feel like I'm 15 again. Plus, I think taking conception off the table completely will help me psychologically. My resolve to lose weight started to waiver when we actively started trying.

Step two of being proactive is Weight Watchers. I've signed back up for Weight Watchers online and I vow to follow the program. My friend Sarah is also getting back on the program and we are going to keep eachother honest and meet up once a week to check in. The program works, I know it does, I just have to do the program. I'm also going to resurrect the video program Justin and I did in the fall. We were hardcore into it for 30 of the 90 days. Then we fell off the wagon. But starting the first of the year, I'm going to follow WW and then do the 90 day workout. I expect to have really great results with combining the two. It'll be a great way to jump start myself and make my goal seem attainable.

The final part of my proactive plan is the Dave Ramsey plan. Dave's plan is a debt elimination plan. Again, Justin and I started this a year ago and had some success. Like with weight loss, we got rid of enough debt to feel more comfortable month to month. The more comfortable we felt, the less we worried about our debt. But as any parent will tell you, babies are expensive. Why not take this break from trying and use it to finish the Dave Ramsey plan? We've (re)completed step one of the plan and are ready to move onto the next part. Being debt free, or close to it, will make adding to our family that much easier. Like the CPA, being debt free will make my career options more numerous.

That's the plan. Go back on the pill, lose the weight, pay off some bills, and finish the program at Columbus State. I have given it a year, but it might take less time, it might take more time. We will have to wait and see. I feel good about our plan, and I will be updating my progress I'm sure. I debated on blogging about this, but it can only make me more accountable. You hear that? It's your job to keep me honest!

Lots happening

I say this almost everytime I blog, but I need to blog more often. I sit at my desk every day for lunch. I don't know why I don't use that time once a week or so and just update a little. Oh well, we'll try.
My summer has been very busy, but very fun. It began in May with our yearly trip to North Carolina. We had a good time for the most part, but it wasn't as fun as the previous year. There were more family members there, which I attribute to Grandma Hickey's passing. My sister and brother-in-law came this year with Josh, and that was really the reason Justin and I didn't enjoy ourselves as much. We do not get along with my brother-in-law. He annoyed us when he was around, and when we avoided him people got mad. We just couldn't win. And in avoiding him, we ended up avoiding my parents which is half the fun of going down, spending time with Mom and Dad. The thing that bothered me most is that my brother-in-law acts as if he's doing someone a big favor anytime he's around my family. It's like he's playing the martyr. Like he really didn't want to be on vacation here, but he's doing it because my sister wanted to and because my Dad is sick, and because Grandma died this year. Justin and I truely enjoy the calmness of Murphy and enjoy spending time with my parents since we don't live right down the street from them. We'll see who decides to go next year and then plan our trip accordingly. We might end up in a different house or we may decide to go down at a completely different time.
June was also busy. Tiffany's bridal shower was toward the end of June in Fremont, OH. I traveled there for the afternoon, then went from there to my mom and dad's to spend a little time with them and my grandma. The last weekend of June, I threw Justin a surprise 30th birthday party. It was so stressful getting everything planned and coordinated, but he was surprised and the party was a hit. It was a great night and Justin refers to it as "The best birthday ever."
The big event in July was Tiffany's bachelorette weekend in Chicago. Again, it was a lot of planning and coordinating, but it worked out well and was fun. I really enjoy traveling by myself, which I never thought I would. Flights to Chicago are so cheap, it makes a really fun little trip. I'm going to try not to invite myself over to Tiffany's too often, though it's so tempting to just get on a plane and get away for a little while.
Tiffany and Jonas' wedding is this coming weekend. I'm excited for it, and I'm also ready for it to be over with. There's just been so much going on surrounding it and so much drama and planning and drama and money and drama. I am reminded at least daily why I decided to get married and Vegas and why I didn't bring any bridesmaids or friends with me. But I am happy to be a part of Tiffany and Jonas' day, and I wouldn't have dreamt of saying no. I love them both very much and I'm happy the asked me to be part of it. Still, it has run its course and I am ready for all the planning and hard work to come to fruition.
Justin and I are also getting more involved at our new church. We didn't attend as much as I would have liked this summer. All the events and the traveling really made it difficult to go. But I was able to teach Sunday school to the 2s and Ts class three times. I taught the first two weeks of June and then again just yesterday. It was fun and it felt good to be around kids again. I thought about signing up to teach some throughout the school year, but I'm not sure it's a comittment I want to make.
Instead, Justin and I have decided to become small group leaders for the youth group. Our church has a large youth group with about 90 or so kids. Two Sundays a month they do an activity for youth group and the other two Sundays they do small groups. The groups are divided by age and gender and they're really kind of an open format. It's not really a Sunday school or a Bible study, just more of an open discussion forum on what matters to the youth. I'm not sure yet where each of us will be, but we're excited to get to know the kids and see where it goes.
Justin and I have also started Power 90, a 90 day in-home boot camp. We'd gotten bored with Weight Watchers and needed some sort of work out program. We'd kicked around the idea of joining a gym, but weren't sure of the expense and anything we tried like biking or walking just didn't pan out. Justin had seen P90X on TV, but after looking into it, we realized we needed something to get us in shape before going to that. I asked a friend from high school about the Beachbody programs since he'd had a lot of success with them. He recommended Power 90. So we ordered it and have completed one week so far. I think it's a program we can stick to and we'll see what kind of success we get from it.
Well, there's where my life has been. There's where it's headed. I'll try to keep it up-to-date from now on.